The Year In Between

Brielle had been accepted into the economics program at the state university. Everyone assumed she would start in September, exactly as planned. Her acceptance letter had been pinned to the refrigerator for three months, right next to a calendar full of move-in dates.

Brielle diterima di program ekonomi universitas negeri. Semua orang mengira ia akan mulai kuliah bulan September, persis seperti rencana. Surat penerimaannya sudah tiga bulan tertempel di pintu kulkas, tepat di sebelah kalender yang penuh tanggal pindahan.

What she hadn't told anyone was that she wanted to defer for a year. She had read that some students used a gap year to work, save money, and think clearly before committing to a four-year degree. The longer she thought about it, the more she suspected economics had been her father's idea, not her own.

Yang belum ia ceritakan kepada siapa pun adalah bahwa ia ingin menunda kuliah setahun. Ia pernah membaca bahwa sebagian mahasiswa memakai tahun jeda untuk bekerja, menabung, dan berpikir jernih sebelum berkomitmen pada gelar empat tahun. Semakin lama ia memikirkannya, semakin ia curiga bahwa ekonomi itu gagasan ayahnya, bukan gagasannya sendiri.

"If I deferred now, I would still start next fall," she told her mother one evening, choosing her words carefully. "I just want a year to work and think, without a deadline over my head."

"Kalau aku menunda sekarang, aku tetap mulai tahun depan," katanya kepada ibunya suatu malam, memilih kata-katanya dengan hati-hati. "Aku hanya ingin satu tahun untuk bekerja dan berpikir, tanpa tenggat yang menghantui."

Her mother put down the dish she was drying and turned around slowly. She had grown up in a family where university had never been an option. For her, Brielle's acceptance letter had felt like proof that things could finally be different.

Ibunya meletakkan piring yang sedang dilapnya dan berbalik perlahan. Ia dibesarkan dalam keluarga yang tidak pernah punya kesempatan kuliah. Baginya, surat penerimaan Brielle terasa seperti bukti bahwa segalanya akhirnya bisa berbeda.

"You've been given a chance I never had," her mother said. "I'm afraid that if you wait, you won't go back at all. People say that every year, and then life happens instead."

"Kamu diberi kesempatan yang tidak pernah Ibu dapatkan," kata ibunya. "Ibu takut kalau kamu menunggu, kamu tidak akan kembali sama sekali. Orang-orang selalu bilang begitu setiap tahun, lalu hidup yang berjalan."

Although Brielle understood the fear, she didn't share it. Her mother had told her more than once that a gap year could turn into five, and that people who waited rarely went back. Her friend Soraya had taken a gap year two years earlier and had come back more focused than any of her old classmates. Soraya hadn't lost anything by waiting; if anything, she had been given time to grow into herself.

Meski memahami ketakutan itu, Brielle tidak merasakannya. Ibunya sudah lebih dari sekali mengatakan bahwa satu tahun jeda bisa menjadi lima tahun, dan bahwa orang yang menunggu jarang kembali. Temannya, Soraya, mengambil tahun jeda dua tahun lalu dan kembali lebih fokus daripada teman-teman seangkatannya dulu. Soraya tidak kehilangan apa-apa karena menunggu; kalaupun ada, ia justru diberi waktu untuk tumbuh menjadi dirinya sendiri.

"I'm not turning the place down," Brielle said. "I'm asking for a year first. It will still be there in the fall after next."

"Aku tidak menolak tempat itu," kata Brielle. "Aku hanya minta setahun dulu. Tempat itu akan tetap ada pada musim gugur lusa."

Her mother was quiet for a long moment, turning the dish towel over in her hands. "And if you decide you don't want economics at all?"

Ibunya diam lama sekali, memutar-mutar serbet di tangannya. "Dan kalau kamu memutuskan tidak mau ekonomi sama sekali?"

"Then at least I'll have chosen it myself, instead of just following the letter on the fridge."

"Kalau begitu, setidaknya aku memilihnya sendiri, bukan sekadar mengikuti surat di kulkas."

Looking back later, Brielle thought she should have raised it months earlier, instead of leaving the letter unanswered on the fridge. That night, she emailed the admissions office to ask about a formal deferral, without waiting for her mother's blessing first. Whatever her mother eventually decided to feel, the decision had already been made quietly, at her own desk, in her own time.

Mengingat kembali kejadian itu, Brielle merasa seharusnya ia membicarakannya berbulan-bulan lebih awal, alih-alih membiarkan surat itu tak terjawab di pintu kulkas. Malam itu, ia mengirim email ke bagian penerimaan mahasiswa untuk menanyakan penundaan resmi, tanpa menunggu restu ibunya lebih dulu. Apa pun yang akhirnya dirasakan ibunya, keputusan itu sudah dibuat diam-diam, di mejanya sendiri, pada waktunya sendiri.