The Transfer She Almost Turned Down

Alina had been dating Caleb for eight months when her company offered her a transfer to a new branch across the country. It was the kind of promotion she had been quietly hoping for since she started the job. It terrified her exactly as much as it excited her.

Alina sudah delapan bulan berpacaran dengan Caleb ketika perusahaannya menawarinya mutasi ke cabang baru di seberang negeri. Itu jenis promosi yang diam-diam ia harapkan sejak mulai bekerja. Tawaran itu membuatnya takut sama besarnya dengan rasa senangnya.

She didn't tell Caleb right away. Instead, she spent two days running numbers in her head: flight schedules, real costs, and whether they would survive it.

Ia tidak langsung memberi tahu Caleb. Sebaliknya, ia menghabiskan dua hari menghitung dalam kepalanya: jadwal penerbangan, biaya yang sebenarnya, dan apakah hubungan mereka akan bertahan.

When she finally told him, he was quiet for longer than she expected. "If you turned it down," he said carefully, "would you resent me for it eventually?"

Ketika akhirnya ia memberi tahu, Caleb diam lebih lama daripada yang ia duga. "Kalau kamu menolaknya," katanya hati-hati, "apakah akhirnya kamu akan menyalahkan aku?"

"I don't know," she admitted. "Probably. If I took it, would you resent me instead?"

"Aku tidak tahu," akunya. "Mungkin iya. Kalau aku mengambilnya, apakah kamu yang akan menyalahkan aku?"

Neither of them answered that one directly. They both understood, without saying it aloud, that there wasn't a version of this decision where nobody paid a price.

Tak satu pun dari mereka menjawab pertanyaan itu secara langsung. Keduanya memahami, tanpa mengatakannya, bahwa tidak ada versi keputusan ini yang tidak menuntut harga dari siapa pun.

Caleb had been through a long-distance relationship before, years earlier, and it had ended badly enough that he rarely brought it up. He must have been thinking about that the whole time she was talking, because when he finally spoke again, his voice had lost its edge.

Caleb pernah menjalani hubungan jarak jauh bertahun-tahun sebelumnya, dan hubungan itu berakhir cukup buruk sampai ia jarang membicarakannya. Ia pasti memikirkan hal itu sepanjang Alina berbicara, karena ketika akhirnya ia bersuara lagi, nadanya sudah tak setajam tadi.

"I'm not going to ask you to stay," he said. "I'd hate myself if I did, and honestly, I'd probably end up resenting you for staying anyway."

"Aku tidak akan memintamu tinggal," katanya. "Aku akan membenci diriku sendiri kalau melakukannya, dan jujur saja, akhirnya aku mungkin tetap menyalahkanmu karena kamu tinggal."

"That's not exactly romantic," Alina said, though she was smiling despite herself.

"Itu tidak terlalu romantis," kata Alina, meski ia tersenyum di luar kehendaknya.

"No," he agreed. "But it's true, and I'd rather be honest than romantic right now."

"Memang tidak," Caleb mengakui. "Tapi itu benar, dan aku lebih memilih jujur daripada romantis saat ini."

They talked for another hour, about visits and calendars and what they would and wouldn't be willing to try. Nothing was decided that night, not really.

Mereka berbicara satu jam lagi, tentang kunjungan, kalender, dan apa yang mau dan tak mau mereka coba. Tak ada yang diputuskan malam itu, tidak benar-benar.

Alina still hadn't given her company an answer by the time she went to bed. Caleb, lying awake beside her, still didn't know whether he had just watched the beginning of an ending.

Alina belum juga memberi jawaban kepada perusahaannya ketika ia pergi tidur. Caleb, yang berbaring terjaga di sampingnya, masih belum tahu apakah ia baru saja menyaksikan awal dari sebuah akhir.